Low Bar

It’s been a somewhat stressful few days, mostly for work reasons. At times I have not dealt with it well at all, to my shame, but let’s find the positive here and see what I’m doing right. I think I’m moving forward from the bad times a little more easily, rather than dwell forever on how I responded poorly. I did not break anything. That’s not a joke; when I’m stressed and anxious, my temper also becomes extremely short, and one of my impulses is to throw something, which doesn’t help, but nevertheless is my go-to. 

I believe I’ve learned this behaviour by having it modeled to me as I grew up, and what’s odd to me is that I often saw it as embarrassing when done by an adult. It was childish, a failure to control emotions and express them properly, not to mention often startling and occasionally even threatening. It wasn’t a behaviour that I remember thinking “yes, this is appropriate and what I will do” while growing up. Quite the opposite. And yet the wall across from the door to my office bears the scar of being struck by my wireless mouse some months ago.

I don’t even remember why I was so angry, but here was a small thing that I could make fly to try and vent my anger. It didn’t work and only contributed to a toxic office atmosphere, which I was deeply ashamed of doing. 

I don’t want to teach Cassidy to do this. So when I list “I did not break anything” as a positive thing, it really is, for me. It feels like a low bar and yet, it’s something I struggle with. 

Today’s going better.

Thing I Saw Yesterday: A blue “no signal” screen as, for the umpteenth time, I struggled with technical issues for getting my slideshow working at our company Christmas banquet. One day. One day it will all go well. 

Thing I Learned Yesterday: The video for Daft Punk’s “Around the World” was directed by Michel Gondry, who has done other videos that I really like for their unique and whimsical style. This one looks like it would have been an incredibly odd day on set.

I’m Grateful For: A Christmas Banquet that went well, albeit somewhat shorter than usual. Despite tech issues, there was much laughter and chatting at the tables, and my (hastily prepared) speech seemed to go over well.