In Recovery

Wow, I have no idea how to start this off! Hello! Welcome to reading this blog post with your eyes. Or maybe you’ve somehow convinced me to read it aloud to you? Then welcome to hearing it with your ears.

I made a Winter playlist in the same vein as the Fall one I put up last time:

My self-imposed rules were the same; 20 songs with Winter vibes, no need to explain myself, try not to pick songs that directly referenced the season or its attributes. I think I did okay again!

The play I was in, Back to the 80s, ran last weekend, and it was an absolute blast. We had so much fun each night, and appreciative audiences each time. My lines as The Terminator parody character “D-800” got good laughs and some big ol’ dopamine hits for me. Biggest show surprise was that we never did secure costumes for the Transformers parody characters that myself and Eric were playing, so at his suggestion and the director’s approval, we pivoted to just holding toys of the characters and sort of puppeteering them. It felt incredibly silly — moreso than the rest of the show — and doing it took a surprising degree of focus not to burst out laughing myself. But we thought it worked and so did the director, and people laughed, so. No worries!

I realized as the show opened that I would be sadder when it was over than I’ve been in previous shows, and I was right. There’s a well-known effect in theater (and probably other performance spaces) that the week after a show is over can be very hard, and empty, which makes sense! You’ve made connections with people and worked so hard, and spent so much time, to put on this thing and then suddenly — poof, tear down the sets, see you all another time maybe? So I’ve been feeling a bit low this week, and tired, and recovering. It’s okay, it’ll pass.

Well, I’m writing this in the last two hours of being 40 years old. Can’t think of anything I’d like to cross off before turning 41, or at least nothing that can be achieved in the amount of time I have left. Forty, you were okay; you had your highs and lows like any other year. Maybe the most grappling I did with aging was brought on by an offhand comment of my wife’s…

and let me just add here; Lori if you read this, I’m really not upset, you apologized afterward and I said it was fine and it still is!

…wherein I was looking at pictures of myself from around the time we were dating in 2011-2012. It was a simple photo of me sitting at a table with a plate of food, sort of a neutral expression on my face, clean-shaven. I didn’t think much of it. Looks like me. Lori passed by, saw it, and affectionately said something like “look at that young buck” which set me back on my heels.

Because I genuinely hadn’t seen a difference between that guy’s face and the face I see in the mirror now! But of course, on subsequent looks (at that guy and this guy), I see the differences. What haunted me, a little bit, for days afterward, was the fact that I initially didn’t see it at all.

Anyway. I came around to a kind of acceptance, I think, and 41 doesn’t seem bad at all. Let’s do this.

Thing I Learned: The longer this blog goes on, the more I worry that I’ll accidentally repeat my YouTube song at the end of the post. However! I just now I realized that I can get the video URL and run it through the blog’s search bar to see if it comes up! Crisis averted.

Thing I Saw: Whoops, I usually start with the thing I saw. I’m hooked on the anime Jujutsu Kaisen which is dark and funny and tense and has some visually bonkers fight sequences. The new season is airing right now, and it’s fun to look forward to a weekly episode of something.

I’m Grateful For: *gestures at everything around him* just, all of it, right now. And you, reading this, right now. Thank you!

A song to listen to when you are feeling grateful for all of it