Continuing Interest

It’s been a somewhat stressful few days, mostly for work reasons. At times I have not dealt with it well at all, to my shame, but let’s find the positive here and see what I’m doing right. I think I’m moving forward from the bad times a little more easily, rather than dwell forever on how I responded poorly. I did not break anything. That’s not a joke; when I’m stressed and anxious, my temper also becomes extremely short, and one of my impulses is to throw something, which doesn’t help, but nevertheless is my go-to. 

I believe I’ve learned this behaviour by having it modeled to me as I grew up, and what’s odd to me is that I often saw it as embarrassing when done by an adult. It was childish, a failure to control emotions and express them properly, not to mention often startling and occasionally even threatening. It wasn’t a behaviour that I remember thinking “yes, this is appropriate and what I will do” while growing up. Quite the opposite. And yet the wall across from the door to my office bears the scar of being struck by my wireless mouse some months ago.

I don’t even remember why I was so angry, but here was a small thing that I could make fly to try and vent my anger. It didn’t work and only contributed to a toxic office atmosphere, which I was deeply ashamed of doing. 

I don’t want to teach Cassidy to do this. So when I list “I did not break anything” as a positive thing, it really is, for me. It feels like a low bar and yet, it’s something I struggle with. 

Today’s going better.

Thing I Saw Yesterday: A blue “no signal” screen as, for the umpteenth time, I struggled with technical issues for getting my slideshow working at our company Christmas banquet. One day. One day it will all go well. 

Thing I Learned Yesterday: The video for Daft Punk’s “Around the World” was directed by Michel Gondry, who has done other videos that I really like for their unique and whimsical style. This one looks like it would have been an incredibly odd day on set.

I’m Grateful For: A Christmas Banquet that went well, albeit somewhat shorter than usual. Despite tech issues, there was much laughter and chatting at the tables, and my (hastily prepared) speech seemed to go over well. 

Trial’s cancelled! I got a phone call yesterday that said my services as potential juror were no longer needed, as the trial was cancelled. Could be for any number of reasons. They didn’t say and I didn’t ask. Like I said, it was going to be a logistical challenge next week, but I was actually disappointed to get the news. Ah well!

Yesterday night we finished decorating the tree. To this point we’d gotten the tree up but only had lights on. Lori’s family collects and exchanges ‘keepsake’ ornaments, something I wasn’t used to when we got married, so she’s got a hundred little special ornaments that represent memories and/or people. When it’s time for them to go on the tree, we put on some music and set aside time to take out each one and talk about its significance. There’s too many to all put on, so each year you get to pick and choose, and although some of the stories are familiar, occasionally we share something unknown or forgotten. 

By association I’ve started a small collection of my own ‘keepsake’ ornaments, mostly deeply geeky things that Lori has gotten for me over the years. And of course we’ve started Cassidy on her own collection; last night, she got to put on a Peppa Pig that I got her. (You know, because she likes Peppa Pig a lot). Mostly she was interested in the little fake cup of coffee that I have, taking it off the tree and pretending to sip it while saying “coffeeeeee” solemnly. Wonder where she got that.

Thing I Saw Yesterday: Benji’s Very Own Christmas Story, from 1978 and on Netflix, which we picked because it was under half an hour and we wanted to watch something Christmassy with Cassidy. Benji visits Santa’s Workshop, and Santa (Kris Kringle, whatever) reveals that he has elves from all nations to respond to the wishes of that nation’s children. Does that mean children in stereotypical costumes and occasionally even blackface? Yes, reader. Yes it does. Far less offensive but still upsetting is that the dog barely does anything, except to get carried around and look really uncomfortable being petted by a bunch of kids at once.

Thing I Learned Yesterday: The original St. Nicholas (from the 4th century!) is said to have started our modern tradition of secret gift-giving when he secretly left bags of gold so that a family could avoid selling their daughters into slavery. Neat! 

I’m Grateful For: Moments of positive reflection. 

Spotify opened its end-of-year “Wrapped” feature aaaAAaand…

I’m not entirely surprised by it! All of these artists and songs are ones that I heartily endorse. Apparently I spent 11 hours this year listening to Sloan alone. I mean, just the band Sloan. Actually I was probably alone at the time too.

However: Lori likes to bug me about being a hipstery music snob, which I strongly deny, but then accidentally confirm all the time by comments I make. Unfortunately she now has hard data on her side, because my top genre is “Indie” and according to their site I listen to “non-mainstream artists 74% more than the average listener”.

Time to embrace the snobbishness I guess!

Listen, to change the subject, these past few weeks have been really up-and-down emotionally for me, and as I did last year I want to remind y’all to be kind to yourself, especially around the holidays. Please. I don’t mind telling you that two nights ago I was in a pretty bad place at the end of the day; at times, while I just tried to go about getting ready for bed, I felt rooted to the spot and completely overwhelmed by anxiety and dread. Part of getting through it was remembering to breathe and use the tools I’ve been gathering for the past few years, like slowing down and acknowledging that yes, you are scared and that is an okay thing to feel. 

This morning I’m happy to report that I’m feeling a lot better, but I’m not assuming that everything’s sewn up and I’ll be fine forever. So please, find tools you can use and make note of the things that make you happy and recharge you! You’ve got this! Remember:

https://www.tumblr.com/npfehr/180706894026

Thing I Saw Yesterday: Confirmation that same-day game playing on modern consoles is mostly gone. I bought a used game disc for my Xbox One (Titanfall 2) and put it in. The system’s been sitting dormant for a while so it wanted to download and install a 3ish GB system update. Okay, fine. Then it wants to install the game from the disc, which takes a while, and THEN it wants to download a 27 gigabyte patch. Maybe I could have bypassed and skipped all of these things, but geez. This kind of thing is actually how I got the system so cheap from its original owner, a friend of mine who was deeply frustrated with his purchase.

Thing I Learned Yesterday: Jesus had a lot to do in his life on earth, but never hurried. So (according to the podcast I was listening to) you have permission to slow down and take things one at a time. 

I’m Grateful For: Resources to help me improve my mental health.

We got a piece of mail last week that said “Seasonal Greetings!” on the envelope, which somehow sounds even more generic than “season’s greetings”. And look, I’m definitely not somebody who gets bent out of shape over whether people say “Merry Christmas” or not, but to me the word “seasonal” barely even acknowledges that some people, somewhere, might be having a season that usually carries a special type of greeting with it. Way to hedge your bets, there! 

Very pleased to report that my Christmas Spirit feels much more alive and well this year. We’ve started decorating a little, I’m exploring holiday-themed music I haven’t heard before, and generally I’m looking forward to things. It’s not all perfect — I do feel like I’m spinning a lot of plates with regard to my church involvements, and if I think too hard about those I get pretty anxious. (Our Christmas program is on the 16th and I have a few different roles within that). I don’t really think there’s a need to be anxious, as in, I believe that my thinking gets very distorted very quickly about these things. There’s still time to practice and prepare, and there’s no reason to think that I will Drop All The Balls. The topic is something I just have to be careful around.

Okay but in general things are going well right now. Reasonably well. I think? Oh boy. 

One last bit of news is that I’m going in for jury selection on Monday, which in our part of Canada seems like a rare thing and I’m…really looking forward to it? I think it’s going to be interesting. If I’m selected, the trial is scheduled to last the rest of the week, and while that does mess with my schedule, I’m interested in the inner workings of our courts. I’m sure I’ll say more if things go forward. Maybe they won’t and that’s fine too! 

Thing I Saw Yesterday: The second episode of APTN’s show “First Contact”, which is wholly available for streaming online and is fascinating. However, there’s deepening conflict between the travelers on the show and as a peacemaker (Enneagram 9 lol) it’s stressful to watch them fight, so I try to decompress a little after the episode before going on with my day.

Thing I Learned Yesterday: Funding for First Nations people in Canada is a lot more complicated than the “they live off of white people’s taxes!!1” that I’ve heard for a long time. The show introduced some of the complexities and I’ve tried to do a little supplementary reading but it’s a massive topic. And here, again, I’m learning that there are so many situations where I’ve heard (or had) wildly oversimplified ideas about how things “should” be done. Interrogate and dig deeper on any idea that tries boil a huge problem down to one simple magic bullet solution! Reject ideas that start with the words “Well if they would just”! If solutions to our societal problems were easy, don’t you think we would have tried them?

I’m Grateful For: Family & community.

Over the weekend I was once again part of From Everywhere To Bethlehem, an annual interactive nativity tour in the park. Our church spearheads it. Dressed as a Roman soldier, I walked groups of people through different stations telling the (highly condensed, somewhat chronologically altered) story of the birth of Christ. In return they bring us “taxes”, which are non-perishable food items for our city’s Food Cupboard, or just freewill cash donations which go toward MCC’s Christmas Giving initiatives.

I’ve been involved as either a soldier or the gatekeeper for many years now, and it’s always anxiety-making and exhausting, but ultimately fun and rewarding. The anxiety I think comes from having to be “on” all the time and entertaining, and also that socially I’m walking into a lot of situations I can’t prepare for. What will the other actors be like? What will the groups be like? Can’t say ’till I’m in it. 

We collect a lot of food and donations each year, which feels lovely to be a part of. We’ve also heard lots of comments over the years that our event is how some folks “kick off” their Advent season, which is humbling. To think that our funny little event, held together by baler twine and hot chocolate, has taken a little place in people’s hearts. 

Thing I Saw Over The Weekend: Some good dogs! People do occasionally bring their puppers through the event, though my best interaction was randomly meeting a friend and his dad, out walking their good boys.

Thing I Learned Over The Weekend: Apparently the gestation period of a pregnant donkey is really unpredictable and can last up to 14 months.

I’m Grateful For: Opportunities to help good causes.

Have you ever been complaining about something to somebody and then realized oh, this person has endured this problem longer/more severely than I have, my complaints sound kinda jerky now?

I have! And look, I know that someone else having a broken leg doesn’t mean my ankle isn’t sprained, figuratively speaking. Someone else having it worse doesn’t mean my problems aren’t real. However! In some cases I could have some sensitivity and caution about the direction in which I vent about those problems. That’s all!

Felt like there wasn’t much point blogging on the internet if nobody knew about it, so I actually shared this site today! (As in, why not just keep this in a private doc on my computer). So if you saw this on my Instagram story today, hello! Welcome here. I chose the stories thing because I liked the impermanence and very short advertising reach; with my follower count probably about two dozen people will even see that this blog exists, and I expect that less than half of those will actually visit. 

I can satisfy my desire to publicize my thoughts, you see, but in a way that makes sure almost nobody will see it if I say something really dumb.

Yesterday I Saw: part of the first episode of Planet Earth while eating dinner with Cassidy, though I did skip ahead twice when animals were about to eat each other. I don’t think anything gory happens but when that wolf is closing in on that caribou I thought “I don’t know if I can contextualize this properly to a not-quite-2-year-old” and loudly announced that everybody got away fine!

Yesterday I Learned: A little bit about another way of thinking, specifically in asking others to do something for you. This is going to get confusing to explain but I’ll try. If I need a boulder moved, and I have a few boulder-moving people to choose from, I’ll ask one-by-one for the help I need. If someone says yes, they can move that boulder, I stop asking. Apparently? Some people? Ask all of the boulder-movers at once, and then choose from the set of those that can move the boulder. The trouble comes when people like me run into people like that; by being asked to do the thing, I’m assuming that you want me to do the thing if I can, but they’re only gauging possibilities and aren’t committing to the idea of me doing the thing. And I feel very uncertain and left-in-the-lurch about whether or not I’m doing the thing. 

I’m Grateful For: Access to tasty takeout options!

There! My updated bucket list is officially complete. Each year around my birthday I review my list and cross off items I’ve accomplished in the past year. I also modify goals that need clarifying or remove ones that are no longer priorities. The list is a hundred items long so there’s usually a good amount to go over and think about. I picked a hundred because

• There’s lots of room for both big and little goals
• Little goals are important because they’re easier to cross off and feel like you did something in the last year
• You’ll run out of easy ideas at some point and have to start reaching or putting weird/fun/unusual things down as they come to mind, which adds some spice and variety to the list
• I’ll always have a backlog of goals, which is good because I’m afraid that if I ever totally finished my list I would die immediately

No I am not sharing the list. Get your own.

Yesterday evening I was with Cassidy on my own as Lori worked, and it was the kind of evening where I had a terrible time doing right by her. Lots of whining, lots of “No!”, don’t-pick-me-up-but-don’t-put-me-down kinda stuff. She yelled at me until I took her downstairs to play (I was trying to clean up supper) and then immediately turned around and wanted to go back upstairs, after all that.

And you know what? It was fine. Some days I have a greatly diminished capacity to deal, and I have to be very careful to breathe properly, watch my thoughts and control my temper. But yesterday? I just laughed. Maybe that sounds cruel. What I mean is that I had the energy to be gentle and patient with her, and not take any of her frustration personally. I thank God for those days, and for His help. She still seems to surprise us every single day with something new that she knows, or can do and I’m grateful for her.

Thing I Saw Yesterday: Shaggy lil’ outdoor cats and kittens, covered in a dusting of snow, at Cassidy’s daycare place. So cute!

Thing I Learned Yesterday: I read a list of things pertaining to the first season of “The Good Place” and now I want to go back and watch it again.

I’m Grateful For: I already said this, but, my daughter! 

A co-worker of mine has an above-average-loudness voice, and then gets louder when they become animated or are telling a good story on the phone, which they do with regularity. I do have headphones but they’re open-backed so I can hear the comings / goings of the office (and not miss the phone) but it can be really hard, like now, to start a thought when I’m trying not to listen to what’s going on nearby.

(That’s right, I write these at work! I’d say I’m sticking it to the man, but I’m management, so)

Occasionally these conversations that I’m trying not to hear can veer into territory that actively frustrates me. That is, they cover topics that seem wildly inappropriate for a work setting (but what do I know? I’m updating my blog on company time, I just realized) OR the co-worker goes on about contentious topics that I find I’m on the other side of. It’s upsetting because I otherwise have a lot of respect for this person, so hearing them go on about an issue that I’m completely the opposite of is hard. It makes me want to go over and insert myself into the conversation just to say how wrong they are. But that’s rude, and anyway I’m trying not to overhear. Also I’m generally certain that butting in to say “WELL ACTUALLY YOU’RE WRONG” is not how you win people to your way of thinking on a controversial subject. 

I recognize that it’s also not healthy to sit in my office and just seethe and get all caught up in the frustration I’m experiencing, so I’ve got to learn to just face it, say “yes that is frustrating” and then let it go so I can move on with my day too. 

Did I mention I’m a work in progress? Only every post so far? Well it’s still true.

Thing I Saw Yesterday: The gorgeous and detailed rooftop gardens of Golem City in the game “Deus Ex: Mankind Divided”. My new graphics card is working well, and this game is full of cyberpunk imagery that is very much my jam

Thing I Learned Yesterday: Cassidy’s cousins and her Auntie Janet have been working since August, in secret, to teach her to say “I want a brother!” She did this for me the first time yesterday, to everyone’s great delight and amusement. I was genuinely surprised and I laughed a lot.

I’m Grateful For: An inclusive and loving extended family, who welcome not just me but my cantankerous toddler.

Lori’s sister Janet was over for supper yesterday and I told them about my plan to leave Facebook for the reasons I’d outlined in the blog post. “Are you still going to use Instagram? They’re owned by Facebook,” said Janet, and I was instantly sad, because I’ve come to really like Instagram. 

So when I deactivated my Facebook account today (:D) it wasn’t for high-minded political reasons. It was just because Facebook makes me unhappy. And that’s the comment I left in the form when they asked. Look, I’m still working through a lot of this stuff.

A lot of folks talk about self-care these days, myself included, and maybe you’re stuck for ideas or want to try something new but don’t know what. I copy-pasted a few different lists from different sites into a big Google spreadsheet, then had it randomly pick one each time you load the sheet. Please enjoy! These lists are unedited and I can’t speak to the quality of every idea, but it’s something.

Oh yes, I changed the header image yesterday, and it isn’t actually meant to be upside-down but I actually like it that way the more I see it. So it’s staying. This picture is from a beach just outside Tofino, BC. We got some extraordinary pics from that sunset.

Thing I Saw Yesterday: A tiny little mountain of snow on our yard, I presume made by Cassidy and Lori, that I somehow hadn’t noticed before. Just a little mark of their presence. Made me smile.

Thing I Learned Yesterday: Putting the duvet back in the duvet cover yourself isn’t actually that bad and I have no idea why it’s so confusing and irritating when Lori and I try to do it together.

I’m Grateful For: Ease of access to good music! 

It was the weekend! Lori worked evenings and I got a stomach bug that left me achey and sweaty and freezing and some other good stuff. So Cassidy got to watch a lot of television. Don’t judge. I’m also inching ever closer to actually making the Paw Patrol podcast that I joked about months ago, The Lookout, in which I’d recap and comment upon episodes with my signature blend of humour and insight. I have a Unique Voice* that is now largely missing from the internet! I deserve to be heard!!**

My most popular comic ever had its annual day in the sun on Facebook, thanks (most likely) to the way that FB does that “Do you remember this thing from a year ago??” and people interact with it again. So it’s weird and kinda funny that the Interesting Times FB page lies almost completely dormant for a year, and then picks up a bunch of shares and some likes in a few days. To those who are liking my comics page on Facebook for the first time: you’re too late! The party’s over. 

That Interesting Times FB page is by now the only reason I’m still on Facebook, because you can’t manage an FB page without an account. Reading posts almost never increases my happiness or respect for others, and then last week there was this business about hiring a PR firm to smear critics, and huge problems in general with clickbaity garbage in general. A couple of years ago I named Lori as an admin of the Interesting Times facebook page as part of my exit strategy, and I think it may just be time to go for it. At long last. Maybe.

Thing I Saw on the Weekend: This Gabriel Gundacker video which made me laugh a lot

Thing I Learned on the Weekend: Some modern video cards need a molex-to-8-pin converter (for power inside of your computer), not the molex-to-6-pin converter I already have! And my new card didn’t come with any extra bits, so of course the only place that had one in stock in my town is the super sketchy computer shop on Main that is now 3/4s of a vape shop. That place is so sketchy they installed illegal movie streaming software on Lori’s laptop after she brought it in for service one time. Like, as a service they were providing to the customer. But danged if they don’t always seem to have the super-specific computer thing that I need, in stock, when I need it. >:\

I’m Grateful For: Advil and Immodium, currently

* haha no I don’t, I’m literally a cisgendered heterosexual white christian male. we are a dime a dozen out here
** again, no