Coronation

I guess I slept on my neck funny because, starting yesterday, I’ve had a terrible kink and my range of motion is pretty limited. Makes backing my car off the driveway a lot more…well not fun, but, more of a thing. Of some kind. It’s also got me thinking about my pain tolerance level. I’ve always considered it to be pretty low, but how can I know that? Unless I inhabit somebody else’s body, how do I know if the pain I’m experiencing is any lighter or heavier than anyone else’s? Is a “high tolerance for pain” just the unwillingness to complain about it openly?

I took the morning off of work today and I’m sitting in a local restaurant, having just had a lovely breakfast. I just looked up to see an older guy that I know entirely from the local acting scene; we had bit parts together in a local production of Anne of Green Gables, and I’ve seen him around at various other events. But the first thing I saw him in was playing a preacher in a film made by a friend of mine called “Contract Player” and what’s funny is that I can’t shake that image of him. Every time I see him I think “oh, he’s a pastor” and then I remember no, that was just a character.

The other funny thing is that until moments ago I’d also forgotten that I’m listed on the IMDB, for two roles in my friend Mike’s movies. Last one was six years ago. Guess my star isn’t really rising in Hollywood. Shoulda got an agent and struck while the iron was hot!!!!1

Time to wind down on the coffee here. I think my heart’s starting to palpitate.

Inspired by Mike McHargue’s book Finding God in the Waves I’ve begun trying “Lectio Divina”, a kind of bible study that (in brief) involves reading a short passage slowly and multiple times, with reflection and contemplation afterward. There’s a bunch of similar guides online, or just get Mike’s book, which is excellent. I decided to start in Psalms, and it’s yielded some interesting results so far. I do tend to blast through passages when I’m doing a “bible in a year” kind of reading, and this method forces me to slow down and really think about words and phrases that jump out at me. Maybe it wouldn’t work for everyone, but the other day, my reading and contemplation actually inspired me to make something based on a verse, which is entirely unprecedented for me. I’m going to share it with you now:

Based on Psalm 8:5

This is for you, if you feel like you need one! It’s a crown. For a little extra context, the Psalm says:


what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
    human beings that you should care for them?[c]
Yet you made them only a little lower than God[d]
    and crowned them[e] with glory and honor.

Psalm 8:4-5 (NLT)

I like that a lot. I don’t feel very glorious or honorable a lot of the time, but I can take a moment (and I have been) to quietly stop and visualize the crown on my head. It’s comforting to think that tiny little me, one among 7-billion-and-change, on a pale blue dot in the vastness of space — that I’m somebody that God cares about and crowns with glory and honor.

So if you need one too, like I said, it’s yours. Take a moment to feel it resting up there, on your head. Now, go do the thing! You got this!

Thing I Saw: A game called The Outer Wilds just released yesterday for the Xbox One, and I got it via Gamepass. So my next stop after finishing this entry is to go home, put on some good headphones, and dive in.

Thing I Learned: “Dinosaur” gets thrown around as a catch-all term for ancient lizard-things that also flew and swam, but strictly speaking, dinosaurs are just the land one. Bruce is a mososaur, and not actually a dinosaur. Huh.

I’m Grateful For: The recent rains, and sudden but wonderful greening of our city.

This is the only Tea Party song I like

Not Wanted Here

I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Maybe it’s because people were actually checking it regularly and I wanted to throw them off. I think they’re gone and I can resume being honest.

Volunteering at a funeral this morning. I’m part of the “Powerpoint” team in my church, which handles the computer displays in the sanctuary and elsewhere. I’ve been volunteering in this capacity for more than ten years, and for the last few years I’ve ascended to a kind of coordinator, just by virtue of being there the longest. I do a lot of the funerals because they’re often held during the day and my work is very flexible about my coming and going; so it tends to work best for me. My experience at the computer also means I’m not as rattled by people showing up with a variety of formats and requests at the last minute.

The first funerals I volunteered at felt very strange. I rarely know the deceased, or even many of the attendees, so I felt like a stranger intruding on a family’s private grief. I don’t know if it’s different for the other volunteers at first, but I suspect it’s not. Many of these events, especially in the wake of my mom’s passing in 2017, sort of “colour” the rest of my day and leave me feeling drained. Sometimes I try not to be ‘present’ and remain disengaged from the event as much as possible, doing puzzles on my phone or literally stepping out of the booth when I know there’s a lot of time before I’m needed next.

I don’t think that’s entirely healthy, so lately I’ve been trying to remain engaged, to make sure that I notice and be present for feelings that the event brings up, and remind myself that it is really okay and understandable to be sad (and even to take some of that sadness with me throughout the day). But also, I try to do something ‘nice’ for myself when I have a chance; often it’s going out of my way to stop at Whitecap for an Americano, my favourite coffee to buy in the city.

As to the “stranger” piece I mentioned earlier — I’ve come to realize that although I don’t know the people involved, my purpose is to make the day a little easier for those going through this loss. I also know, having been on the ‘other side’ of things recently, that probably nobody is thinking of us volunteers as “intruders” and if anything they are grateful for having people around to take care of the myriad little things involved in hosting a funeral (and often reception).

Let me tell you, there are way more questions and logistical things involved in a funeral than you might expect. Especially when the deceased left virtually no instructions, as was my mother’s case. She simply refused to talk about any of it. You might sit down to have a piece of cheese and a bun after the funeral, and they seem like the same piece of cheese and bun at every event, but somebody had to decide on that piece of cheese and that bun and then source and deliver everything.

Anyway. It’ll be okay. I won’t say “good”, but okay.

Thing I Saw: Some small trees blooming beautifully along my running route this morning, and the smell was lovely as well. But I don’t have a “thing I smelled” note.

Thing I Learned: Well, before setting out to write this I was just starting to learn about American campaign security, for some reason. I haven’t finished reading the article but the breezy and informal tone made it interesting and I want to get back to it later.

I’m Grateful For: Waking up this morning. Not that this was in a specific danger of not happening, but you never know.

Navelgazing

What do I know today? I bought a PlayStation Classic, the much-dunked-upon mini-console with 20 games built in. They were $110 when released last year, and greeted with a pretty resounding “meh” by reviewers and fans alike because…well I mean, Sony kinda rushed these out. Slower versions of certain games, really bad filtering effects for 2D graphics (that aren’t toggle-able by default), and an odd selection of titles. Since the reaction was so lukewarm they started dropping in price immediately, until hitting our local Wal-Mart for a paltry $40.

This still might not have enticed me BUT Sony’s lackadaisical approach to these consoles means that they are: very hackable! And yes, you can do more and better things with a Raspberry Pi or something, but you cannot beat this price. So I was up late last night playing with a USB-loaded game launcher, and then playing Intelligent Qube, which comes with the system and turns out to be really good.

I recently came across a post on tumblr that’s been making me think; it’s about the distinction between loving yourself and loving being yourself. Maybe this seems like semantic or crunchy granola nonsense, but I’ve found it interesting to consider. I’m thinking particularly about struggling to change my perception of my own body, and how I can spend time trying to look at myself uncritically and with a caring attitude but still not feel like I’m “getting anywhere”. To borrow the words of the post, it’s an issue of…

…trying to summon the “correct” feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of. 

And of course, looking at what I’ve been learning this year about accepting things as they are rather than forcing them to be a certain way; the way I’m trying to go about it probably isn’t going to work.

One other thing I read a while back but didn’t note here was to pick a point in your body where you know you carry stress or tension; for me, it’s sort of in the middle of my chest, which tightens up as I get stressed. And then, as often as you like, check up on that point. How’s it feeling, and what does that say about whatever you’re experiencing at that moment? Whether the experience is positive, negative, or just neutral, it’s fine. If it’s negative, don’t freak out or worry, but just…notice it. Maybe make a mental note about it as something to address in the future.

Now, with this new thing in mind, I can try to look at that point in my chest a little more holistically, and reframe the question to ask about whether or not I’m enjoying Being Me at that moment. It’s a small thing, but an acknowledgement that I’m not just observing this stuff from outside myself, like the post says.

Thing I Saw: So many dogs! As the weather finally gets warmer around here, people are out walking their doggos and I love it.

Thing I Learned: I caught the last few minutes of the Blue Jackets / Lightning hockey game last night, and apparently I witnessed a little bit of history. I learned this morning that Tampa Bay was the first #1 seeded team in 81 years to get swept out of the playoffs in the first round. So that’s neat. Mostly I wanted the game to be over so I could use the TV again to play more Intelligent Qube

I’m Grateful For: Slowly improving weather.

No reason, it’s just been in my head lately

Running in Circles

I think I managed to disable comments on new posts. It’s not that I don’t want to hear back from anybody, but it’s more like…nobody human was commenting. That sounds way more exciting than it really is. Anyway if you have comments/questions/concerns please come find me on twitter or something.

Like many of you, I had dreams of watching the entire MCU again on account of it being 1.)Ten years? TEN! YEARRRS! since it started and 2.) Endgame is coming to cap it all off. And hey, since my afternoons at work are generally a little quieter I can just have the movies on my 2nd monitor while I do other things. Unfortunately, the very first film, Iron Man, isn’t available for streaming like Iron Man 2 and many films afterward. I could “rent” it from a digital store, sure, but I already own it on Blu-ray at home. And I don’t want to rent a movie I already own. I could watch it at home, but when I have time to watch something at home there’s things I want to see more. So that was where I got stuck and never recovered, on the very first film. Maybe I’ll reconsider in 2029.

Noting here for posterity, and if say it out loud more times I may actually do something; Sunday morning at church was very busy for me, and I came away from it saying that I need to drop one of my volunteer activities there. That’s actually rare — because I’m so averse to even potentially upsetting people, I hate to drop things I’m a part of, or say no to things.

Anyway, what happened. It was basically just a perfect storm; Lori was working so I took Cassidy there alone, then let her get handed off from volunteers to her grandparents as I ran from Sunday School (reading story & lead singing) to the projection area of the booth (to run that during the service). Then it was off to the basement to get ready for a small potluck / meeting being held by the Music Committee on which I serve and had to present at, and also for which I needed to get my own dish prepared. I felt, and later said to Lori, that if church is meant to be a place to slow down, breathe, and let my soul find rest and preparation for the week ahead? Then I’m doing it wrong.

Already I’m rationalizing and telling myself that it’s So Rare for all these things to come up on the same morning, just give it time, it’ll calm down. On the other hand, I’ve brushed off previous Sundays when I’ve felt like this, and I can be pretty confident that it’ll happen again.

Two pieces of advice that I’ve come across in the past few months that are coming to me now, when considering what to keep, what to move on from, &c:

  • “Am I being led by love, or pushed by fear?” (yes fear, mostly fear, honestly) (thanks Emily)
  • Know that your decision may upset others, but will it actually harm them in the long run? (from a recent sermon at WMBC)

Guess I got some thinkin’ to do.

Thing I Saw: This, and I’ve been a little obsessed over the past two days since watching it:

Thing I Learned: From above, there are now 812 pokemon in total I guess. I used to pore over the original 150, and after that my knowledge drops off precipitously.

I’m Grateful For: A loving God, who has a plan, and to whom I can give my anxieties and pointless ruminations.

The non-acoustic version is also quite good.

What’s That

It was Wednesday afternoon and we were about to leave the house for the banquet. Cassidy was headed to my brother’s house, on the next street over. She had her jacket on and was looking out the front window as we gathered a few things. Suddenly she asked “What’s that in the sky?”

‘That’ was this:

The school that’s under construction near our house was on fire. Not a serious one and nobody was hurt, but somewhat alarming nonetheless. I ran outside to take pictures and overheard some teens on the sidewalk singing “schooool’s out! for! ever!” which made me smile.

Evidently, somebody working on the roof set down their torch and forgot about it. Police and firetrucks were there quickly, and as much as we all would have preferred to stay and watch, we did have to leave in order to get to Winnipeg on time.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling to leave your house when a fire is close by, but it was already dwindling as we drove away and was out before we even left Winkler. It was just so out-of-the-ordinary that it felt odd not to see it through to the end.

The banquet went well, in case you were wondering. I’m not a “networker” but I know how to make conversation, and Lori and I were treated to a delicious meal and a unique evening out with people we’ve never met and likely never will again. I’d do it again!

Thing I Saw: Besides the column of smoke? Um…let’s see, the banquet was emcee’d by former Winnipeg Blue Bomber Obby Khan, who was funny but also odd and awkward and not really very smooth at all?? Like me, he seemed to have no internal monologue and yet he was enjoyable. Gave me an idea for a side hustle: I’m going PRO EMCEE BABY

Thing I Learned: We’ve lost our ancestors’ original word for ‘bear’, because they were terrified that saying the name would summon them. It’s in an article about euphemisms!

I’m Grateful For: This might sound very posh, but my massage therapist. Years of bad posture and computer usage were taking their toll on my wrists, but regular visits to her have kept my carpal tunnel symptoms at bay! Plus she’s pleasant to chat with and has a table with a warmer built in.

This gives me such 90s computing nostalgia that I have to just lay down every time I hear it. Well maybe not, but it IS good

A Good Dog

I’m not usually one to share my dreams, but I had one last night that’s stuck with me throughout the day and I want to talk about it here.

I was at a university and waiting to speak to a certain professor. This professor was teaching a class, so I went to wait near his office to meet him on the way back afterward. There was a lounge area nearby with dark wood paneling and some armchairs, so I sank into one to wait. There weren’t many other people around.

A dog came sauntering around the corner. It had orange fur and was about the size of a border collie. This picture is reasonably close:

Image result for orange border collie
https://www.flickr.com/photos/25941956@N04/5775919561

The dog walks up and stops directly in front of me. Of course I begin talking to it, and it approaches so I can give skritchies. This goes so well that in a smooth motion it climbs into the chair with me, settling easily in my lap. Like a cozy blanket, the feeling is wonderfully warm and calming. The dog does my favourite thing that dogs do, which is to sniff my ears, and I’m giggling crazily and continuing to skritch, and then we both calm down and sink a little more into the chair.

I’m warm and peaceful now, completely present in that moment, and it feels so nice that I begin to fall asleep in the chair. The professor I’m waiting for returns from class with his colleagues, and I barely care as I begin to doze off. As my eyes close I notice that he’s motioned for one colleague to take a picture, and they do.

I don’t remember where it went from there, but at moments throughout the day I’ve been thinking about that dog and the sense of complete peace and warmth. I almost started to choke up telling Lori about it in the morning. And in a somewhat stressful and lengthy day, as this turned out to be, returning to the memory of it has been pleasant. I’ve no idea what it means, but maybe all it was supposed to do was contribute a little more peace to my heart on a Tuesday.

That’s a pretty good outcome for a dream.

Thing I Saw: An episode of Homecoming, a pretty fantastic thriller on Amazon Prime Video starring Julia Roberts and directed by Sam Esmail, of Mr. Robot fame. Apparently it was adapted from a fictional podcast and I keep thinking, like, if I were the people that made that podcast? I would be pretty excited about the thunder being brought on the TV version.

Thing I Learned: I thought I didn’t have a “business casual” outfit for a banquet I’m attending tomorrow, because I don’t really know what “business casual” even is?? But it turns out Pinterest is a really great place to get ideas. I thought I would have to buy something but I found out that I already have the things I need. The power was within my closet…all along!!

I’m Grateful For: This blog, actually! An outlet for my thoughts from time to time.

Time for sleepy time for me too

Hey You!

I was recently listening to the Whatevertown podcast and the topic for discussion was what you would say if you had five minutes to speak to your grade-9-era self. So in my case that’s about 1996, aged 14. And I thought, “Hey, I’ve just downed this cup of coffee, that would be a good thing to write a few bullet points about on my blog” so here we go:

  • Start taking care of your teeth! Please! Do anything!
  • It’s okay to put a little effort into your studies. I know you got used to coasting on no effort, but that was starting to fail you in junior high, wasn’t it? Yeah, it was. Listen, it’s not going to get better, and it’ll take a long time to unlearn those habits, so why not start now?
  • Grownups are right when they say that high school is a relatively small portion of your life, and whatever happens now is going to fade pretty quickly once you’re on the other side of it.
  • It is okay to ask those questions about Christianity that you’re harboring. Or to express doubt. But again, do something.
  • Okay it looks like kind of all of my advice is to just to put effort into bettering yourself and expressing yourself, rather than just bottling everything and self-medicating with video games and movies. Maybe I should have lead with that.
  • Sloan and Super Metroid are still awesome.
  • You know it’s probably best that you forget we ever spoke. You’ve got to do what you do, and make the choices you make, so that I can be where I am now, and yeah there are a lot of things that we could have handled better but we’re in a good place in 2019 and I don’t want to change that. Even the heartaches.
  • It’s going to be okay
  • bye
  • okay but p.s. really do get some kind of dental care going, you will have to get a lot of work done to ‘catch up’ and your first dentist will not be very good at her job

Thing I Saw: Snow’s mostly gone!!!!

Thing I Learned: My brother just informed me that Swiss Army Glasses are real (although only in limited quantities! get yours today!) I don’t like them.

I’m Grateful For: being able to live long enough to have perspective and gosh, maybe even insight

Hey 14-year-old me, in two years this album will come out and become one of your favourites of all time, heads up

Recovering

It was time again for EtherLAN this last weekend, and it was a little less exhausting than it has been due to more people on the admin team to share the load. So that’s nice. My emcee-ing was weird as always, but hopefully passable. The more important news from the weekend is that I…

Completed my first “normal” difficulty Super Metroid Randomizer Run! For the uninitiated, you submit an unaltered ROM file to this site and choose your seed and difficulty settings. It spits out another ROM in which all the items are moved around, and the ammo pickups are shuffled (so they may be the same and may not). I have a pretty set path that I’ve developed over the years for completing this game, so it’s really exciting to re-route things based on my available options, and come to bosses without the equipment I usually rely on. Some encounters were actually far more exciting than they’ve been in years, and I get to learn some new techniques and tricks for moving around the world. I loved it and will definitely try it again!

Not really a lot else to say today. Just recovering from the weekend and making a note of the Smetroid thing.

Thing I Saw: EtherLAN has a boardgame side as well as a videogame side, and whilst travelling from one to the other I randomly stumbled across a D&D session in progress. “You’re all awesome” I shouted in passing, probably to their confusion.

Thing I Learned: It’s common to use certain dried spices, like dill weed, to affordably add grassy texture to the base of your Warhammer figurine miniature. Bonus fact: after mistakenly calling them “figurines” while judging a painting contest, I was firmly told that they were in fact miniatures. Double bonus fun fact: The Australians call them “war dollies” and I am not making that up

I’m Grateful For: Clever programmers that make our lives better and our games more exciting!

Audio/video

Read the news last week that hundreds of immigrant parents have been deported from the United States without their children. The policy of separating families at the border has always seemed cruel and unnecessary to me, and is part of the reason I’m avoiding travel to America entirely. And sure, Homeland Security claims that parents are always given the option of returning with or without their children, but how many were coerced? How many understood the options as given? In any case, reading this has at times given me valuable perspective as I parent; even when Cassidy is cranky, frustrating, or just crying and whining I think there are probably parents out there that miss even these moments. Parents that would gladly take a crying or maddening child if it meant spending a little more time with them. Breaks my heart.

So let’s shift to a more positive note. Yesterday I realized that I think I’d really enjoy a career in broadcasting. Radio or television’s fine. I like talking into microphones and I’ve really enjoyed the podcasts and film things I’ve done. I can also get pretty absorbed by the production side of things as I make my videos. I love music and sharing what I know. And so I was listening to a host on the local radio station and suddenly thought I would enjoy that! and then went on a Googling Rabbit-hole.

If I were to go back to school for this idea, I think I’d even like the coursework.

All of this significant because when there have been times that I’ve been dissatisfied with my career at Jelcan, and I’ve looked elsewhere, very little has really spoken to me as something I’d actually like to do. There are plenty of jobs I could do, and at least one other career that interested me (librarian, which I actually investigated early last year) but this is the first one I’ve come up with on my own. It was exciting to think about! Lori noticed my excitement as I told her about it and pointed out the significance of having an idea that actually seemed to bring me happiness, even if just to think about it.

Nothing is definite, no directions are being taken. I put feelers out to a friend of mine at the radio station just to see what kind of path people typically take to get there, but there’s no serious thought or discussion beyond that. However, I do see the significance of just having an idea that makes me happy like that, and if nothing else I want to keep it around just to inspire projects that I can do here and now while I continue to work at Jelcan.

Thing I Saw: After getting very frustrated at a puzzle in Shadow of the Tomb Raider last night I took to YouTube to find the solution. In what may be a first for me, actually seeing the solution upset me so much that I threw up my hands and turned off the console entirely. I’m sure I won’t stay away.

Thing I Learned: According to How To Invent Everything, London’s upgraded sewer system, constructed more than a hundred years ago and still in use today, was created on the wrongheaded principle that Bad Air (miasma) causes disease and death. Kind of amazing that something so useful could be built on entirely the wrong idea.

I’m Grateful For: A country that generally welcomes immigrants.

I’m already losing track of songs I’ve shared so I apologize for repeats

A Revelation

I fixed the header image. It’s now the right way up and no longer an incredibly large filesize because watching it slowly load in was making me sad.

Something that comes up every so often between Lori and me is our definition of the word “excited”. She’ll ask me if I’m excited about something coming up and I say, well, no, but I am looking forward to it. And it turns out that’s really what she means by excited, just sort of, “looking forward with positive feelings”. To me excited is like…fired up! You think about the thing and you can’t wait and get all energized!

So the other day she asked me what I get excited about, by my definition. More than just “generally positive feelings about” and into “genuinely fired up”. I had to stop and think about it, because at first glance my answer is Not Much. Which made me a little uncomfortable. But then it came to me, and after some stumbling and sheepish grinning I admitted…pastries. (and baked sweets.)

I’m not kidding. I’m a bit embarrassed about it, but gosh, I love ’em. I like to look at them in the store, I get a thrill when I pick them out and buy them, and then of course I enjoy eating them later on, usually after waiting a little longer than I want to, just to build up the moment. In response, Lori brought some filled strudel things home yesterday and my response was literally

I’m not entirely sure why this is, and noticing the tendency has been a bit of a surprise even to me. I’m going to unpack it one day.

Thing I Saw: Last week a man parked his truck on the road near our office, and walked around a snowy field across the road in lazy figure eights. He was carrying a shovel in one hand, and a chainsaw in the other. Lloyd and I watched him do this while we waited for our coffee to brew. Eventually he stashed his tools in the back of his truck and slowly drove away. We have no idea why.

Thing I Learned: I use a CPAP machine which needs distilled water, with 4L jugs ranging from around $2-3 around town. But! It turns out a local grocery store has refillable jugs and the refills are just 50 cents! Hooray!

I’m Grateful For: Delicious pastries!

This came up on Spotify this morning and I realized I wanted to share it. So chill.