Continuing Interest

Leaves are falling all around, which means it’s about time that I start my annual brief fascination with the horror genre. This is a couple of weeks where I work up just enough courage to watch a few scary movies (or play a scary game), until something I see scares me too much, and I mostly quit the genre until the next year. The buildup to Halloween is an obvious inspiration, but what else is it about this season that inspires me so? Is it the chill in the air? Earlier sunsets, so I’m moving around in darkness much more than I’m used to?

Or maybe, it ties in to my general sense of unease and restlessness around this season, because for so many years of my life, Fall was a time of big transition and change, and for the last number of years this has not been the case. But, I still find myself feeling ‘twitchy’, like something big needs to shift in my life, and I’m missing it. So maybe the horror genre is my way of unsettling myself and my thinking when the rest of my life seems much more settled by comparison. (I mean, there are always ups and downs, but at my stage, change is a steady constant rather than a Big Event).

Whatever it is, last year’s Horror Kick ended with The Babadook, which genuinely got under my skin and rattled me. “I’m good on horror for a while,” I remember telling people. And yet, here I am, back at it again, reading reviews and impressions and trying to psyche myself up to put something on. Maybe I’ll document the capper to this season as well, if there is one as clear as last time.

If you find yourself in a similar place as me, I can’t make a lot of recommendations, but I do have a few (in no particular order). I can’t say they’ll work for you at all; scariness is obviously personal and subjective, but I’m sharing them anyway. I used to watch tons of scary movies in University, but I don’t anymore, because I lost my edge; they frighten me more easily. I also like to stick with things that are more supernatural / cosmic, because when it comes to people doing harm to each other on film, I mainly watch and think “people actually do this to each other in real life” and I’m just sad and nauseated.

With all that out of the way, some memorable scary movies:

• The Ring (2002) – I know I’m supposed to like the Japanese original more, but I saw this one first and couldn’t shake it for days. I watched it in the actual theatre. Why did I do that?
• Annihilation (2018) – is so beautiful and weird and unsettling, like a fever dream.
• Resolution (2012) and Endless (2017) – While I don’t think you need to see the first one to jump into the second, it’s worth it and will enrich certain scenes.
• The Cabin in the Woods (2012) – apparently a great year for metahorror, this one is also funnier than everything else on this list.
• The Thing (1982) – One of my friends pointed out that what makes this scary (besides the insane creature effects) is that these men are rational scientists and for once make all the “right” decisions about their predicament — but it doesn’t help

Thing I Saw: A copy of Silent Hill 2: Restless Dreams for the Xbox sitting in a little drawer in my home. I’m fascinated and terrified by the SH games, but watching a Let’s Play of this game years ago is part of what inspired me to make my own videos. I recently bought this copy in hopes of making my own series on it, but that means I’ll have to play it for more than ten minutes at a time, and that might be too much for my nerves. We’ll see.

Thing I Learned: The number of 1kg bags of fries to prepare for roughly twenty construction workers is: eight. (We had a company BBQ lunch here today)

I’m Grateful For: Space in my day to chill out and blog.

Apparently I’ve not managed to write about my upcoming job with the Canadian federal election, even though I’ve been sitting on this news since like, spring? I guess nothing much has really happened until this week.

So yes, I’ll be working on the federal election! We’re expecting the writ to drop (government dissolved, campaigning begins) on either the 8th or the 15th, because as I just learned it only happens on Sundays. I’ll be working evenings and weekends as an Assistant to the Automation Coordinator, or AAC, until the end of October. In Canada, voting districts are determined mainly by population numbers and geography, and each electoral district has a main office to coordinate and manage voter information, run advance polling, answer questions, and do training and such. The Returns Office, as it’s called, was recently moved to my area and so I got this job offer through word-of-mouth.

The Automation Coordinator does light IT for the office, manages the computer system that stores voter information, and generates/prints reports for the political candidates and other stakeholders. My job as assistant is to do whatever the AC doesn’t get round to during a the day, which as I understand it, is basically the busywork of watching printers. Probably it’s more than that, I don’t know. This week I had my first visits to the new offices, as well as a big meeting yesterday with the primary staff for our new location. The AC and the Returns Officer (boss) are really friendly and easygoing, and aside from sacrificing my evenings, I’m really excited about this opportunity.

Mainly that’s because I’ve often enjoyed going “behind-the-scenes” for things like this and seeing just how things function. I don’t consider myself incredibly interested in political systems generally, but as a voter, I’ve always just shown up on the day, done the card in the ballot box, and gone home, with no idea of just how much work goes into making sure that the box is even there. And that things are fair and accessible and unbiased. I’ve already learned a lot just by chatting with the others, and I expect to learn a lot more before October ends.

So far I’m already impressed at how much work Elections Canada does to ensure that everybody has a chance to vote, and my boss has talked a lot about the work that’s done between elections to reduce or eliminate barriers to voting access. Things like: setting up polling stations in large apartment buildings or seniors’ complexes. Or in one funny case, creating a polling location in a tiny town after residents vigorously complained about having to vote in a nearby town with whom they had a fierce, longstanding rivalry. We might roll our eyes, but the issue is treated non-judgementally and seriously, if it seems like it’s going to present a genuine barrier to people doing their civic duty.

When I read about all the voting chicanery that goes on in other countries (un-registering voters, gerrymandering, ballot tampering &c) it’s dawning on me how important it is that our electoral process is so reliable and non-controversial. It’s been stressed to us several times that Elections Canada does its level best to maintain public trust and impartiality, and I guess I’d always taken that for granted, too.

Anyway, I’m not sure how much more specific I can be about what goes on from this point forward, but I thought the whole thing was worth mentioning. And now I have!

Thing I Saw: Super Metroid surprise-dropped on the Nintendo Switch, today! Nintendo added a bunch of SNES classics to their online subscription service and I am very hyped. You’ve no idea how often I want to play SM on a nice handheld, that isn’t a phone with a wonky bluetooth controller or something.

Thing I Learned: S U P E R M E T R O I D

I’m Grateful For: A fair and democratic electoral process!

At counseling last week, I was talking about the personal difficulty I’d been having in the weeks since my return to tabletop RPGs. (Among many other things; it’s been quite a busy couple of weeks)

The first sessions went well! We’d blocked off two evenings, which was good, because character creation and rules discussion took most of the first one. DungeonWorld’s suggestions to ask questions and incorporate the answers into world building went well, and as I went home that night I had lots of energy and excitement to begin building the world and the story that these players would inhabit. I stayed up late that night, materials spread across the table, grinning from ear-to-ear as I wrote out the ideas we’d generated.

Next evening was playing, which flowed well. At some point during the adventure one of the guys asked if they were “doing it right” and I cited the three Agendas: Are we portraying a fantastic world? Are we filling the characters’ lives with adventure? And, are we playing to find out what happens? The answers were yes to all three, which felt great. We ended the night at sort of a natural lull in the story that would provide a good jumping-off point for the next adventure, and resolved that we’d meet in a few weeks to continue things.

Since then, as I told my counselor, I’ve managed to do some behind-the-scenes work on preparing the next adventure but it’s been quite difficult to get motivated. I miss that excitement and drive from the first night. Partly, it’s because things in the rest of my life have been taking up a lot of bandwidth and I’ve but DW stuff on the back burner because of it. But the other reason is because of another battle with Marvin, the Low Self-Esteem Creature. As I explained to my counselor, as time passed from our first session, Marvin worked harder and harder to convince me that none of my ideas were good and that the others were (for some reason) just humouring me while secretly having a bad time. I related that I’d quite harshly (mentally) told Marvin off more than once.

“You’ve gotta love Marvin,” said my counselor.

“Tch, I know, right?” I said, misunderstanding him.

I kept talking about some other issue, also involving Marvin, and my counselor said basically the same thing again; that I had to love Marvin. Hearing it differently this time, I stopped and asked what he meant.

He went on to explain that a way to deal with Marvin is to accept that, in its own roundabout way, it’s trying to help. The voice of my fierce inner critic and my low self-esteem isn’t trying to tear me down for funsies; it’s trying, in a misguided way, to protect me from things I’m afraid of; that my ideas won’t be accepted. That I’m an imposition, clueless about where things really stand. That I’ll lose connections with others and it’ll be my fault.

Marvin, said my counselor, is a part of my life and probably always will be. It’s part of what has informed the person that I am today. Rather than angrily fighting and trying to reject that, isn’t it better to embrace that aspect? Even to see it as a gift from God? Not to say “yes I believe you, my ideas are trash” but to say “Marvin: I see you there and I recognize that you’re trying to help. But I don’t care what you think.” In the way you’d talk to a friend that you just can’t agree with.

I read and hear about treating yourself with goodwill, grace, kindness, and gentle curiosity; but this was a major area that I had overlooked. I’ve been thinking about our conversation since then, and I hope this can be the start of more positive growth for me.

Thing I Saw: A friend of mine sent me this listing from our local online Classifieds:

…and I was like, this person is my exact opposite. We should probably never meet in person, for the preservation of the universe. (I have a long history of badly disliking this game — so much that I overcame my fear of dating in order to avoid playing it)

Thing I Learned: I’ve finally started listening to Reply All and just finished this fantastic two-parter about CompStat, the NYPD’s accountability process and its modern-day problems.

I’m Grateful For: Dare I say it? Rock n’ Roll Racing. If I can embrace Marvin as being necessary for my journey, then I have to accept RnRR as well???

Due to getting married, my Dad has sold his house, and the possession date is this Friday. Of course there is no minute like the last one for cleaning up and moving things out, so as of last week I was helping him list a bunch of stuff online. I’ve also taken a few things for myself that he no longer needs, including a full set of dishes & cups, to replace our own. Also my mom’s accordion, under the condition that I learn to play a song. She apparently used to play it before I was born. I think I saw her get it out maybe twice in my lifetime. It’s in beautiful condition, but the straps are a little to small for me, so I need to find replacements I guess?

I also found a hidden cache of my old stuff in the back of a storage closet, which I cleaned out this morning. Lots of stuff ended up in the garbage, some things are coming home with me, and a few things got recycled, too. One oddity is a bottle of “Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale” that looks to be about 17 years old, given to me as a gift in a time when I didn’t drink beer (but was a Monty Python fan). I’m assuming it will poison me if I try to drink it now, so I guess I’ll put it on a shelf somewhere. Or pour it out at some point.

After that, I took a few moments to quietly go around the house and say goodbye. It was good, and sad, and I surprised myself by calling up memories of times I haven’t though of in ages, and room arrangements that haven’t existed for almost twenty years. I spent my formative years there, I guess, moving when I was 12 and living there off and on until I was like, 26. Even after getting my own place I was there every day for years while the Jelcan offices were in my old room. So I felt like it was important to take a moment and sit with that, and not try to force any particular reaction but to feel whatever came up. I thought about taking pictures, but a lot of it has been cleaned out, and I already have pictures from the old times. I want those, not the empty ones.

I also said a little prayer of thanks for the times I got to have there, and to ask that the next people get to have good times there, too. Okay, I did take one picture of questionable goodness:

Probably a few years from now I will creep past it and something will be visibly different, which will rankle me for no good reason. Or it will look the same but feel different anyway.

Thing I Saw: An ancient, empty bottle of “Orbitz” sitting in the same bottle collection that the unopened ale bottle was hiding. It was the first and last bottle of that stuff that I ever had. Hashtag only nineties kids will remember

Thing I Learned: Two things, just now! First, I knew that the tall plant from my youth was called a “Dieffenbachia” but always assumed it was a Low German pronunciation/corruption of “Dieffenbaker”, which, maybe you had to grow up around the Low German dialect to judge how plausible that theory was. But no, it turns out that is its real name. Also, they’re poisonous, which I was dimly aware of, but the specific harm they cause makes them also known as “dumbcane” because they can remove your ability to speak. Fun!

I’m Grateful For: The places I’ve called “home”.

Who says blogging can’t change things! Nobody? Probably nobody.

A few weeks ago I wrote about wanting to play a tabletop RPG with a group, and because of that post one fell into my lap. Our first session is tomorrow, and we’ll be playing Dungeon World with me as Game Master, which at first I didn’t think I wanted to do? But this opportunity is too good to ignore. The group is actually the fellows from the Whatevertown podcast, a super fun show I’ve guested on nearly three times. They came across my post and got in touch, because it turns out, they were looking for an opportunity to play and weren’t sure where to start.

Our first session is tomorrow night, and I’ve wanted to write about the experience of preparing for a little while. But also, I mean, I didn’t want to, because I know that my soon-to-be players might read this and I did not want that. When I examined my resistance, I thought at first it was because in D&D tradition (which is where I’ve spent the most time) the Dungeon Master doesn’t allow players to peek “behind the curtain”. The dungeon master’s screen — that bit of foldable cardboard that the Head Nerd sits behind — is there to keep players from seeing future story information, prepared surprises that you’re about to drop on the table, or even just that you’re fudging the results of your dice rolls (always for noble reasons of course). There is always a veil of secrecy, and DMs often try to come across as aloof, mysterious, all-knowing, and ready for anything.

Thus, writing about my excitements and anxieties in an open way, that my players might see, first struck me as being a very bad idea. I can’t drop the veil because it would make me vulnerable to the players, and thus ‘weaker’ somehow. But Dungeon World is very different; the game is much more of a back-and-forth conversation between players and the GM, and while there can still be surprises, there’s much less to keep hidden from players because we’re making things up together. In DW, the game master saying “I don’t know — what do you think happens?” is a valid thing to do when stuck for a good answer, which reduces pressure significantly on the person in that role.

As I thought about my resistance to writing about my experiences, I realized that my problem went beyond the idea of vulnerability with players into a more common, not-RPG-specific issue; I don’t want them to know that I’m anxious because I don’t want them to feel guilty about “making” me feel anxious. What I mean is that…at various points while getting to grips with the rules and getting supplies ready for tomorrow’s game, I’ve had to tell off Marvin the Low Self-Esteem Creature. Marvin has been trying to convince me that I won’t be ready, that the goodness of this game is entirely on my shoulders, and if it isn’t Perfect, I will ruin tabletop RPGs for the group forever. I know these things are not true. I’m in a good place about the game tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it, but I had to work through that stuff first. And in my typical way, I want to keep all my struggles to myself so that nobody else is burdened by them or made to feel in any way less happy.

If you’re an Enneagram enthusiast, this is probably a super typical ‘9’ thing to do. Anyway, I will probably write more next week, once the first session is under our belts. Now I just have to stop myself from trying to ‘cram’ between now and tomorrow; we’re all learning to play this thing together. Perfect is the enemy of good, after all. 

Thing I Saw: Some pretty gorgeous and elaborate dungeon master screens while googling for that image I linked earlier. Gosh, people really do go to lengths for their hobbies. It’s cool!

Thing I Learned: The children’s show The Backyardigans draws from a wide variety of musical styles, including Highlife, a super upbeat kinda African dance music that I have been jamming on for a few days. This is a good Spotify playlist!

So, my Dad’s getting remarried in just over a week, and I feel like I want to talk about that.

Her name’s Alice. She’s pleasant, gets on well with children, has a real heart for volunteer service (much like Dad) and is twice widowed herself. They seem like a real good fit for one another and it’s certainly not something that any of us have had a strong reason to be opposed to. We’ve actually known that this was coming for a little while now, but everything has been very hush-hush because…I guess I’m not sure? Dad seems extremely reluctant to talk about relationship things, and the wedding is going to be a small affair for family in Alice’s backyard.

That part right there has been weird for Lori and me, because usually things like this are exciting! And people want to make announcements and get excited with the people around them! But we also recognize that we don’t know what it’s like to be in that stage of life, having been through what both of them have been through. Maybe we wouldn’t want to make a big deal out of it either.

Most people ask how I feel about all of it, and I say, “Fine…?” Again, I think they’re a good fit, and all of the children are adults — and mostly living elsewhere — so it’s not like it changes very much about our day-to-day living. I’m grappling a little bit with the idea of having a stepmother and stepsiblings, but not in a negative way so much as just…turning the idea over and looking at it. Repeating it to myself.

And actually, one of my new stepbrothers sounds fascinating and like somebody I could get on very well with, but! He lives and works in Taipei, so, unlikely we’re going for coffee anytime soon

On that note — Alice and sons have been cleaning up the house to make way for Dad to move in, and while talking about that I was thrilled to learn that this future stepbrother left behind a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons books, and records by a band named Rush. In this area, there’s still a lot of suspicion of D&D left over from the “Satanic Panic” years of the 1980s, so Alice had been advised to just destroy them altogether, but she wasn’t sure. My brother Lloyd and I made the case that D&D is fine, just a framework for group storytelling and adventures really, and in the end she seemed willing to turn them over to me (!!!) for which I would have been extremely grateful.

However, a trip to her house last night revealed that they weren’t D&D at all but the “Mysteries of the Unknown” hardcover set, interesting and valuable in their own right but certainly not what I was expecting. Future stepbrother’s (I’m not being coy, his name honestly escapes me at this moment) record collection was awesome, though. Big stack of 1970s prog rock including Yes, Rush, lots of Jethro Tull. Super cool

Anyway life is an adventure and a weird old thing, and sometimes you find yourself revisiting the story you tell about yourself in order to add a chapter that you never thought you would.

Thing I Saw: A concert program from Jethro Tull’s 1979 tour, which folded out to a pretty cool poster.

Thing I Learned: Alice’s house has cozy guest rooms but doesn’t seem to have any video games at all, so I may just quietly install something retro to complete the place.

I’m Grateful For: Dad finding somebody good for him, so he doesn’t have to be lonely

Alright, okay, it’s Wednesday and I’m at least a little buzzed on coffee, too much to get anything useful done, let’s update the blog!

CORRECTION: I just realized it’s Tuesday.

So I have this problem, and the problem is that I want to play Dungeons & Dragons or some sort of tabletop RPG with people. (Maybe Tales from the Loop, which seems 100% in my wheelhouse but oh gosh the bundle is over a hundred dollars)

Solution: get my group of friends to play, right? We’ve spent time in various D&D editions before, we could do it again. Wrong! Our group is fragmented over the summer, so getting a consistent time to play would be challenging at best. Plus nobody wants to DM the game, so I usually end up doing it, and I don’t want to, because it’s a lot of work. Lastly, story and character stuff never really hooked them in; mostly my pals just want to do fun dungeon crawls and fight monsters. Which, you know, is a fine way to play. But I want something meatier. I want to do the role playing part. Plus of all the DM jobs, running combat was my least favourite. My friends like tactical stuff and I don’t.

Possible Solution: I saw some signs at the used game store for some local D&D groups that were running. Now I really know nothing about these or the people involved; I guess I could check them out, but my fear is that I’ll be much older than the others and make it weird for everybody. I mean, writing that down I guess I can’t know anything about the demographics of them. I’m actually just taking myself out of the running because of my own anxieties and hangups. And truthfully I look at signs like that and still think “yeah but what if they’re weeeeirrd” which is this ancient, super ridiculous nerd culture bias that I’m still learning to overcome. I need to remember that I’m not better than anybody, and I definitely can’t throw stones at people for being “weird”.

Okay so, I guess, the way to face my anxiety down is to reach out and inquire to these folks! See what’s up and then decide to join or not! And even if I went to a session, I don’t have to feel obligated, right? Take my own advice to others in this season of my life? Aw heck

Thing I Saw: In This Corner Of The World, a gorgeous, charming, sometimes heartbreaking slice-of-life drama about a young Japanese woman living through World War II. It’s on Netflix and I really recommend it.

Thing I Learned: Oh my gosh! So! Lori just casually tossed out, a few days ago, the fact that when you eat or talk only your lower jaw is moving, of course, because your upper jaw is like, fused to your cranium and only that lower one’s on the hinge, right? Reader, this blew my mind. It makes sense but I’ve just never thought about it, and the weirdest thing is that it feels so much like the upper jaw is moving! Lori laughed and laughed while I freaked out for a while. I had to look at myself in a mirror while moving my mouth. Ugh! So weird.

I’m Grateful For: Actually my job, even though I don’t love the day-to-day work that I do. But I do love the freedom it gives me, and I feel like this year I’m making some progress on my mental health as well.

Word of warning: I post a lot of chill music at the end of these entries but this song is very loud and fast.

So I’m slowly listening to a podcast interview of a couple of Enneagram 9’s, and one of the questions they were asked is what brings them joy. Hearing this, and identifying as a 9 (the Peacemaker) myself, I asked myself the same question. It might or might surprise you to know that I couldn’t answer right away. I decided I want a space where I can think about it and write some things down, rather than go ’round in circles in my head, and what do you know? I have a blog.

So! Things That Bring Nathan Joy, 2019 Edition:

Oh no wait, before I start, you should know that I had to look up the word “joy” to make sure I was doing this right, while being completely aware that this was probably not necessary but I want to make sure I’m following the rules properly

ugh

…Google says “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness” for the record.

In no particular order!

• Singing / playing ukulele in my church worship team.
• Making people laugh.
• Successfully baking something.
• Buying delicious pastries.
• Playing Rock Band with pals.
• Having an idea in my art, pursuing it, and along the way making further tweaks that build it into something better than I originally envisioned.
• When my own comics would make me giggle. (often after the above)
• Sharing a meal with Cassidy.
• Singing and/or carrying on a ‘bit’ with Lori.
• Particularly well-made video games, like the Outer Wilds or lately, Titanfall 2 (when I notice while I’m playing, haha)

Okay that list feels pretty solid. It’s not exhaustive but it’s good. Phew. I seize up when I think about things like that, and I can get into this unproductive headspace where I spiral downwards because “Oh no, I can’t think of anything” -> “I should be able to think of something” -> “What if I’ve never experienced joy” -> “oh no oh no” and so on.

Thing I Saw: A few episodes of Netflix’s Dark, a German show that drew me in by being vaguely similar to Stranger Things but is rather more mature in content and tone. It’s a sci-fi thriller set in a small town with a nuclear power facility looming over it, and some shady things that may or may not be happening within. Also yes, like Stranger there is a missing child and part of the show is set in the 1980s. As a change, though, this show leans more into the ‘everybody is connected and has secrets’ vibe of a small-town mystery, and like I said, it’s a lot less funny. I’m going to keep watching.

Thing I Learned: Following the above — this isn’t exactly new information to me, but recently reinforced; it turns out I’m really fascinated by science fiction involving mysterious government facilities. Especially if they a.)are in proximity to a small town and b.)employ chunky, Cold War-era technology. Side note, a couple of years ago, Lori and I went on a couples retreat to the Wilderness Edge Conference Centre in Pinawa, and I found out that the place is actually the converted dormitories and buildings of a decommissioned nuclear research facility. You can bet my imagination was spinning for a lot of the weekend. (Their dining room)

I’m Grateful For: my life not being joyless.

Last week, Lori and I were leaving a friends’ house after dinner when I made eye contact with a young man walking a bicycle up the street. He shouted my name and I realized it was someone I knew from a long time back, who we’ll call Doug.

Doug is a little younger than me and somebody I talked to a lot when I worked at the game store, just out of high school. He was a kind of energetic, eager kid brother that I never had, really enthusiastic about anime and video games. Had sort of a funny tendency to ‘shift personalities’ every few weeks, meaning he was the sort of person who was all about [thing] right now and [thing] was the Best Thing ever and could never be topped. Then time would pass and seemingly without warning he’d be all about [new thing] which was so much better than [thing], which was old garbage and no longer worth discussing. But the thing is, I wouldn’t have called him a liar; he always seemed genuine.

He asked how I was doing and I said “okay”, which is generally what I say these days, with varying intonations and pauses before answering. Reflexively I asked back, and rather candidly he said “shitty!”. Rapidly and nervously, he went on to say that he’d fallen in with a bad crowd — he didn’t say the words, but I got that drugs were probably involved — and he was looking to change. “I thought about Teen Challenge but I don’t know, that’s like, not really my thing…” he said, while looking away.

Then suddenly, looking at me again: “Do you think I should do it?”

“Well,” I said, “They’ve been in our church a few times and it seems like they do really good work in people’s lives.” And then, drawing from something I’ve been learning lately, I added: “At least you can go introduce yourself, and see what they’re all about. And if it’s not for you, then you know.”

Doug seemed to take this in, and said yeah, maybe he would go do that, then. “It’s just, you’ve always been somebody I really looked up to, and whose opinion I respected, and you introduced me to so much good anime and like…” — his voice got a little thicker, here — “I love you, man.” After which he stammered unnecessary apologies about not meaning it in that way.

All of this conversation happened very quickly.

“No, it’s cool, I get it.” I said. “I love you too.”

After this, with no further eye contact, he quickly said goodbye and hurried away up the sidewalk. Lori had long finished loading Cassidy into the car, and heard most of the exchange. We chatted about it a bit on the way home, but it was really the next morning that I started to think — oh, shouldn’t I have said this, or that, or done more and on and on.

But I mean, I’m not meant to be his Saviour, I don’t think. He’s not my project to fix. I think I did what I could do, which was to be present at a time and place where I could listen for a moment and then say just something to let Doug know that somebody cares about him. And of course, I can pray, and have done in the days since, when I think about the situation again.

I may not get to know what becomes of Doug, and this may not be the moment that changes anything for him. But I wanted to write it down.

Thing I Saw: My little girl mastering the (extremely short and simple) courses I’m designing for her in Super Mario Maker 2. She saw me play as Cat Mario and was intrigued, so I made a single-screen level in which Cat Mario basically has to run to the right to hit the goal. Then I’ve been slowly adding more elements; backtracking, blocks to break, a little bit of vertical movement via trampolines, etc. In just a few days she’s starting to grasp how to push the stick left and right, so I think jumping is the next challenge to overcome, but a good jump requires doing two things at once (left hand on stick, right hand to button) and I’m not entirely sure we’re there yet. Plenty of time!

Thing I Learned: If your neck and shoulders are sore and seizing up while working in the office, try raising your mouse and keyboard!

I’m Grateful For: Sunscreen and mometasone furoate, things that let me be outside with Cassidy during sunny summer days.

During the Updating Gap I performed in a radio show in the park, something I’ve done for the past few summers through Flatlands Theatre Co. A free, half-ish-hour show is put on each Monday in summer through the park, performing old programs like Burns & Allen, Flash Gordon, and mysteries like Sam Spade. Initially, I hadn’t intended to do any of them, because the audition calls came during a time when I was feeling kinda low and I felt no interest in putting forth the energy. So I stayed home.

But the sweet thing about local amateur theatre is the connections and sense of community, so not long after auditions closed I got emails from two of the summer show directors saying they’d thought of me specifically for a part. They and some of the other cast members are Flatlands lifers who I’ve had fun with on various shows in the past, and although I was still feeling low I felt quite encouraged to be thought of like that. Their practice times worked with my schedule, but my impulse when feeling low is to cocoon up and try to “conserve energy” until this thing blows over.

But this time I finally realized that my previous low times have all been mitigated by spending energy to continue socializing with friends, or taking part in group activities. The practices and the show turned out to be a lot of fun, and I don’t regret taking them on.

Then last week, on a bad evening emotionally, I made an effort to reach out and talk on the phone with my brother Corey while playing Warframe. Again, it seemed illogical — I barely feel like looking another person in the eye, why would I go out of my way to be social — but it was a big help, and Corey’s somebody (it turns out) who understands mental health struggles and was eager to hear how I was doing.

I’ve recently gone back and restarted The Mindful Way Through Depression which confirmed, after all this, that part of the spiral of depression is that “shutting down” impulse, the narrowing of one’s focus and life activities in order to try and protect oneself and “get sorted out” before facing the world again. But many times that impulse is exactly the wrong one. What’s weird to me is that I must have read those words in the past but they just didn’t land, the way they have done now.

Guess I’m growing and learning a little. Guess I still have further to go.

Thing I Saw: Captain Marvel, which was lots of fun and better IMO than the Ant-Man sequel. Still haven’t seen Endgame. Maybe I never will, just to be a freak who’s seen the entire MCU except Endgame.

Thing I Learned: Lots about the choices that went into Atlas: Nine by Sleeping At Last, a wonderful musician who has been writing songs about each of the Enneagram types. I happen to be a 9, and this song kinda wrecked me emotionally when I listened to it. Then the podcast and deep dive on the 9-type wrecked me again, but a little less. I hated it! A recommended experience! Go check out the song and podcast, and ones about the other types.