Author: admin

Yesterday, I applied for a new job. It was very scary. I still have my job at Jelcan and don’t actually plan to run out anytime soon, but this was an exercise that I was encouraged to undertake by my counselor and one or two other people.

Some weeks ago I got a Hot Tip that a rural school south of town was hiring a permanent part-time Library Technician. The person who tipped me off knew that I had investigated becoming a librarian last year and was just forwarding this to me in case I was still interested, as apparently those positions don’t actually open up very often within our local school district.

I looked it over and while I technically qualified, my first reaction was to dismiss the idea. I did mention it to my counselor George, and he immediately asked “So are you going to apply?”

“No!” I said, a little taken aback.

“Well, why not? You don’t actually have to accept the position, if they offer it.”

This was actually news to me. My assumption was always that you didn’t apply for a job without full intent of accepting, but George said (and others have since confirmed) that sometimes you just explore options because you can. Or maybe you find something out in the interview that doesn’t work for you, such that when they offer the job, you end up saying no. Expressing interest doesn’t automatically mean that you’re obligated to say “Yes” to anything.

“But either way, I have to disappoint somebody,” I replied. By which I meant, what if this new thing turned out really interesting but meant that I couldn’t keep my current job at Jelcan? And I’d have to quit and disappoint my family? Or what if they people at the school were really interested in me as a candidate, and I said no, and disappointed them? That’s a tough thing for me. But where we landed was that…well, in a way, it’s good practice. It isn’t feasible to go through life keeping literally everybody happy, and as George put it, the worst person I can disappoint is myself. By never trying things.

So! I drafted a cover letter, created a resume (most people polish old ones but it has been an age since my last one, so let’s start fresh) and in doing so actually came to get a little more confidence in myself and the skills and abilities I have. The act of “selling myself”, even on paper and before I’d sent it in, was actually kind of a boost. And then yesterday, after checking my attachments twenty times, I hit send! Well, after also counting myself down from 5 and getting just enough courage to hit the button.

Maybe nothing will come of it. I guess we’ll see. But I’m putting myself out there, and that isn’t a thing I do often.

Thing I Saw: Nintendo’s E3 2019 Direct presentation was live today, and there wasn’t a drop of Metroid news in site. DISAPPOINTED!

Thing I Learned: A lot of Final Fantasy music just went up on Spotify, so I’ve been playing through the OST for FF VII and rediscovering a lot of music that I remember but doesn’t usually get played. (Deep cuts, if you will). Nice to hear this stuff in high quality again.

I’m Grateful For: Good friend times had yesterday. I brought Mike back to the airport, and had a good chat on the way. Then later, played more A Way Out with Jared and laughed myself silly.

Since last week I’ve been obsessed with a new game called Outer Wilds, a first-person game about jumping in your ramshackle spacecraft and exploring the solar system. It’s completely free of combat and has pretty excellent graphics and visual style. At its core is a mystery about an ancient race of aliens that arrived in the solar system, built a bunch of things, and then vanished; your job is to learn more about them and find out why. To this end, the game has a really well-designed journal system to keep track of the various story threads you can tug at, and you can explore locations in any order. As a person who loves exploration in games, this thing has grabbed me hard, and “obsession” is honestly not an exaggeration. I actually dreamed about it a few nights ago. Periodically throughout the day I’ve been going “Oh! What if I tried to do this to get into there?” and then I can’t wait to get a few moments to get to my console and try it.

It’s also surprisingly relaxing and low-key funny! Last night I was exploring an orbital probe cannon built by the aliens, and decoded a string of cute messages between the husband-and-wife caretakers of the cannon; about how they’d gotten specific instructions from the Construction Yard not to overcharge the cannon when using it, but that they were definitely going to do that because why build an orbital cannon and not push it to the limits? Later, when exploring the Construction Yard, I found another string of messages by the engineers, who had already assumed the married couple were going to try and overpower the cannon, so its “100% power level” was intentionally placed a little lower on the settings in order to keep everyone safe.

I love it.

On a total change of topic, Monday would have been my Mom’s 69th birthday. Lloyd ended up joining me as I went out to her grave in the morning, grabbing small coffees with cream and a muffin from McDonalds on the way. Small-with-cream was her regular order whenever we’d go out together, and we’d often share bites of the muffin. I drove out there last year with one from Tim Hortons, and I think I’m making this…like an annual thing.

She’s buried in the cemetery of the church she grew up in, Glencross, which is about 10 minutes south of Morden. It’s relatively small, and surrounded by trees and farmland. There’s almost no traffic along the roads during the day, and generally nobody at the church outside of services and events. The cemetery runs behind the church and is shaded by old trees from a lightly wooded area nearby. It is a wonderfully peaceful place.

So we stood for a bit, sipping our coffees, reminiscing and chatting a little about things in general. Sometimes we just stood quietly, hearing only birdsong and the wind in the trees. We’d both been there only a few weeks ago for Grandma Hoeppner’s funeral — mom’s mom — so we strolled over to that grave as well, before leaving quietly. On the way back to the car, we both lifted our cups in a kind of salute to Mom.

I know that she isn’t “there” and it’s just her earthly remains. I believe that she’s in heaven now and isn’t sad about any of this, and as such, a visit like this is really just for us. But I’m happy that one of the places we can go to remember her is so peaceful, and I hope it stays that way for a long time to come.

Thing I Saw: A dog wandering freely down the sidewalk near my house, with nobody around. Stray dogs are not common in our town, so one immediately assumes that this pupper (a golden doodle? I think??) escaped from somewhere. I got out of the car, raised my hand and used my nicest tone to call it over and see if I could get some info, but it ran away. Doesn’t it know I’m a friend to all dogs? (There was also a cat wandering around nearby, so maybe they were doing an Incredible Journey thing)

Thing I Learned: The James Beard Awards are sort of like the Oscars of the American culinary world.

I’m Grateful For: Honestly, living in a market where I’m not priced out of my favourite hobby (video games). I get to play so many new things for cheap / free these days it’s crazy, but going abroad — especially South America — I know gamers are asked to pay a lot more for some of these experiences.

I guess I slept on my neck funny because, starting yesterday, I’ve had a terrible kink and my range of motion is pretty limited. Makes backing my car off the driveway a lot more…well not fun, but, more of a thing. Of some kind. It’s also got me thinking about my pain tolerance level. I’ve always considered it to be pretty low, but how can I know that? Unless I inhabit somebody else’s body, how do I know if the pain I’m experiencing is any lighter or heavier than anyone else’s? Is a “high tolerance for pain” just the unwillingness to complain about it openly?

I took the morning off of work today and I’m sitting in a local restaurant, having just had a lovely breakfast. I just looked up to see an older guy that I know entirely from the local acting scene; we had bit parts together in a local production of Anne of Green Gables, and I’ve seen him around at various other events. But the first thing I saw him in was playing a preacher in a film made by a friend of mine called “Contract Player” and what’s funny is that I can’t shake that image of him. Every time I see him I think “oh, he’s a pastor” and then I remember no, that was just a character.

The other funny thing is that until moments ago I’d also forgotten that I’m listed on the IMDB, for two roles in my friend Mike’s movies. Last one was six years ago. Guess my star isn’t really rising in Hollywood. Shoulda got an agent and struck while the iron was hot!!!!1

Time to wind down on the coffee here. I think my heart’s starting to palpitate.

Inspired by Mike McHargue’s book Finding God in the Waves I’ve begun trying “Lectio Divina”, a kind of bible study that (in brief) involves reading a short passage slowly and multiple times, with reflection and contemplation afterward. There’s a bunch of similar guides online, or just get Mike’s book, which is excellent. I decided to start in Psalms, and it’s yielded some interesting results so far. I do tend to blast through passages when I’m doing a “bible in a year” kind of reading, and this method forces me to slow down and really think about words and phrases that jump out at me. Maybe it wouldn’t work for everyone, but the other day, my reading and contemplation actually inspired me to make something based on a verse, which is entirely unprecedented for me. I’m going to share it with you now:

This is for you, if you feel like you need one! It’s a crown. For a little extra context, the Psalm says:

⁴ what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
    human beings that you should care for them?^[c]
5 Yet you made them only a little lower than God^[d]
    and crowned them^[e] with glory and honor.

Psalm 8:4-5 (NLT)

I like that a lot. I don’t feel very glorious or honorable a lot of the time, but I can take a moment (and I have been) to quietly stop and visualize the crown on my head. It’s comforting to think that tiny little me, one among 7-billion-and-change, on a pale blue dot in the vastness of space — that I’m somebody that God cares about and crowns with glory and honor.

So if you need one too, like I said, it’s yours. Take a moment to feel it resting up there, on your head. Now, go do the thing! You got this!

Thing I Saw: A game called The Outer Wilds just released yesterday for the Xbox One, and I got it via Gamepass. So my next stop after finishing this entry is to go home, put on some good headphones, and dive in.

Thing I Learned: “Dinosaur” gets thrown around as a catch-all term for ancient lizard-things that also flew and swam, but strictly speaking, dinosaurs are just the land one. Bruce is a mososaur, and not actually a dinosaur. Huh.

I’m Grateful For: The recent rains, and sudden but wonderful greening of our city.

I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Maybe it’s because people were actually checking it regularly and I wanted to throw them off. I think they’re gone and I can resume being honest.

Volunteering at a funeral this morning. I’m part of the “Powerpoint” team in my church, which handles the computer displays in the sanctuary and elsewhere. I’ve been volunteering in this capacity for more than ten years, and for the last few years I’ve ascended to a kind of coordinator, just by virtue of being there the longest. I do a lot of the funerals because they’re often held during the day and my work is very flexible about my coming and going; so it tends to work best for me. My experience at the computer also means I’m not as rattled by people showing up with a variety of formats and requests at the last minute.

The first funerals I volunteered at felt very strange. I rarely know the deceased, or even many of the attendees, so I felt like a stranger intruding on a family’s private grief. I don’t know if it’s different for the other volunteers at first, but I suspect it’s not. Many of these events, especially in the wake of my mom’s passing in 2017, sort of “colour” the rest of my day and leave me feeling drained. Sometimes I try not to be ‘present’ and remain disengaged from the event as much as possible, doing puzzles on my phone or literally stepping out of the booth when I know there’s a lot of time before I’m needed next.

I don’t think that’s entirely healthy, so lately I’ve been trying to remain engaged, to make sure that I notice and be present for feelings that the event brings up, and remind myself that it is really okay and understandable to be sad (and even to take some of that sadness with me throughout the day). But also, I try to do something ‘nice’ for myself when I have a chance; often it’s going out of my way to stop at Whitecap for an Americano, my favourite coffee to buy in the city.

As to the “stranger” piece I mentioned earlier — I’ve come to realize that although I don’t know the people involved, my purpose is to make the day a little easier for those going through this loss. I also know, having been on the ‘other side’ of things recently, that probably nobody is thinking of us volunteers as “intruders” and if anything they are grateful for having people around to take care of the myriad little things involved in hosting a funeral (and often reception).

Let me tell you, there are way more questions and logistical things involved in a funeral than you might expect. Especially when the deceased left virtually no instructions, as was my mother’s case. She simply refused to talk about any of it. You might sit down to have a piece of cheese and a bun after the funeral, and they seem like the same piece of cheese and bun at every event, but somebody had to decide on that piece of cheese and that bun and then source and deliver everything.

Anyway. It’ll be okay. I won’t say “good”, but okay.

Thing I Saw: Some small trees blooming beautifully along my running route this morning, and the smell was lovely as well. But I don’t have a “thing I smelled” note.

Thing I Learned: Well, before setting out to write this I was just starting to learn about American campaign security, for some reason. I haven’t finished reading the article but the breezy and informal tone made it interesting and I want to get back to it later.

I’m Grateful For: Waking up this morning. Not that this was in a specific danger of not happening, but you never know.

What do I know today? I bought a PlayStation Classic, the much-dunked-upon mini-console with 20 games built in. They were $110 when released last year, and greeted with a pretty resounding “meh” by reviewers and fans alike because…well I mean, Sony kinda rushed these out. Slower versions of certain games, really bad filtering effects for 2D graphics (that aren’t toggle-able by default), and an odd selection of titles. Since the reaction was so lukewarm they started dropping in price immediately, until hitting our local Wal-Mart for a paltry $40.

This still might not have enticed me BUT Sony’s lackadaisical approach to these consoles means that they are: very hackable! And yes, you can do more and better things with a Raspberry Pi or something, but you cannot beat this price. So I was up late last night playing with a USB-loaded game launcher, and then playing Intelligent Qube, which comes with the system and turns out to be really good.

I recently came across a post on tumblr that’s been making me think; it’s about the distinction between loving yourself and loving being yourself. Maybe this seems like semantic or crunchy granola nonsense, but I’ve found it interesting to consider. I’m thinking particularly about struggling to change my perception of my own body, and how I can spend time trying to look at myself uncritically and with a caring attitude but still not feel like I’m “getting anywhere”. To borrow the words of the post, it’s an issue of…

…trying to summon the “correct” feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of. 

And of course, looking at what I’ve been learning this year about accepting things as they are rather than forcing them to be a certain way; the way I’m trying to go about it probably isn’t going to work.

One other thing I read a while back but didn’t note here was to pick a point in your body where you know you carry stress or tension; for me, it’s sort of in the middle of my chest, which tightens up as I get stressed. And then, as often as you like, check up on that point. How’s it feeling, and what does that say about whatever you’re experiencing at that moment? Whether the experience is positive, negative, or just neutral, it’s fine. If it’s negative, don’t freak out or worry, but just…notice it. Maybe make a mental note about it as something to address in the future.

Now, with this new thing in mind, I can try to look at that point in my chest a little more holistically, and reframe the question to ask about whether or not I’m enjoying Being Me at that moment. It’s a small thing, but an acknowledgement that I’m not just observing this stuff from outside myself, like the post says.

Thing I Saw: So many dogs! As the weather finally gets warmer around here, people are out walking their doggos and I love it.

Thing I Learned: I caught the last few minutes of the Blue Jackets / Lightning hockey game last night, and apparently I witnessed a little bit of history. I learned this morning that Tampa Bay was the first #1 seeded team in 81 years to get swept out of the playoffs in the first round. So that’s neat. Mostly I wanted the game to be over so I could use the TV again to play more Intelligent Qube

I’m Grateful For: Slowly improving weather.

I think I managed to disable comments on new posts. It’s not that I don’t want to hear back from anybody, but it’s more like…nobody human was commenting. That sounds way more exciting than it really is. Anyway if you have comments/questions/concerns please come find me on twitter or something.

Like many of you, I had dreams of watching the entire MCU again on account of it being 1.)Ten years? TEN! YEARRRS! since it started and 2.) Endgame is coming to cap it all off. And hey, since my afternoons at work are generally a little quieter I can just have the movies on my 2nd monitor while I do other things. Unfortunately, the very first film, Iron Man, isn’t available for streaming like Iron Man 2 and many films afterward. I could “rent” it from a digital store, sure, but I already own it on Blu-ray at home. And I don’t want to rent a movie I already own. I could watch it at home, but when I have time to watch something at home there’s things I want to see more. So that was where I got stuck and never recovered, on the very first film. Maybe I’ll reconsider in 2029.

Noting here for posterity, and if say it out loud more times I may actually do something; Sunday morning at church was very busy for me, and I came away from it saying that I need to drop one of my volunteer activities there. That’s actually rare — because I’m so averse to even potentially upsetting people, I hate to drop things I’m a part of, or say no to things.

Anyway, what happened. It was basically just a perfect storm; Lori was working so I took Cassidy there alone, then let her get handed off from volunteers to her grandparents as I ran from Sunday School (reading story & lead singing) to the projection area of the booth (to run that during the service). Then it was off to the basement to get ready for a small potluck / meeting being held by the Music Committee on which I serve and had to present at, and also for which I needed to get my own dish prepared. I felt, and later said to Lori, that if church is meant to be a place to slow down, breathe, and let my soul find rest and preparation for the week ahead? Then I’m doing it wrong.

Already I’m rationalizing and telling myself that it’s So Rare for all these things to come up on the same morning, just give it time, it’ll calm down. On the other hand, I’ve brushed off previous Sundays when I’ve felt like this, and I can be pretty confident that it’ll happen again.

Two pieces of advice that I’ve come across in the past few months that are coming to me now, when considering what to keep, what to move on from, &c:

• “Am I being led by love, or pushed by fear?” (yes fear, mostly fear, honestly) (thanks Emily)
• Know that your decision may upset others, but will it actually harm them in the long run? (from a recent sermon at WMBC)

Guess I got some thinkin’ to do.

Thing I Saw: This, and I’ve been a little obsessed over the past two days since watching it:

Thing I Learned: From above, there are now 812 pokemon in total I guess. I used to pore over the original 150, and after that my knowledge drops off precipitously.

I’m Grateful For: A loving God, who has a plan, and to whom I can give my anxieties and pointless ruminations.

It was Wednesday afternoon and we were about to leave the house for the banquet. Cassidy was headed to my brother’s house, on the next street over. She had her jacket on and was looking out the front window as we gathered a few things. Suddenly she asked “What’s that in the sky?”

‘That’ was this:

The school that’s under construction near our house was on fire. Not a serious one and nobody was hurt, but somewhat alarming nonetheless. I ran outside to take pictures and overheard some teens on the sidewalk singing “schooool’s out! for! ever!” which made me smile.

Evidently, somebody working on the roof set down their torch and forgot about it. Police and firetrucks were there quickly, and as much as we all would have preferred to stay and watch, we did have to leave in order to get to Winnipeg on time.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling to leave your house when a fire is close by, but it was already dwindling as we drove away and was out before we even left Winkler. It was just so out-of-the-ordinary that it felt odd not to see it through to the end.

The banquet went well, in case you were wondering. I’m not a “networker” but I know how to make conversation, and Lori and I were treated to a delicious meal and a unique evening out with people we’ve never met and likely never will again. I’d do it again!

Thing I Saw: Besides the column of smoke? Um…let’s see, the banquet was emcee’d by former Winnipeg Blue Bomber Obby Khan, who was funny but also odd and awkward and not really very smooth at all?? Like me, he seemed to have no internal monologue and yet he was enjoyable. Gave me an idea for a side hustle: I’m going PRO EMCEE BABY

Thing I Learned: We’ve lost our ancestors’ original word for ‘bear’, because they were terrified that saying the name would summon them. It’s in an article about euphemisms!

I’m Grateful For: This might sound very posh, but my massage therapist. Years of bad posture and computer usage were taking their toll on my wrists, but regular visits to her have kept my carpal tunnel symptoms at bay! Plus she’s pleasant to chat with and has a table with a warmer built in.

I’m not usually one to share my dreams, but I had one last night that’s stuck with me throughout the day and I want to talk about it here.

I was at a university and waiting to speak to a certain professor. This professor was teaching a class, so I went to wait near his office to meet him on the way back afterward. There was a lounge area nearby with dark wood paneling and some armchairs, so I sank into one to wait. There weren’t many other people around.

A dog came sauntering around the corner. It had orange fur and was about the size of a border collie. This picture is reasonably close:

The dog walks up and stops directly in front of me. Of course I begin talking to it, and it approaches so I can give skritchies. This goes so well that in a smooth motion it climbs into the chair with me, settling easily in my lap. Like a cozy blanket, the feeling is wonderfully warm and calming. The dog does my favourite thing that dogs do, which is to sniff my ears, and I’m giggling crazily and continuing to skritch, and then we both calm down and sink a little more into the chair.

I’m warm and peaceful now, completely present in that moment, and it feels so nice that I begin to fall asleep in the chair. The professor I’m waiting for returns from class with his colleagues, and I barely care as I begin to doze off. As my eyes close I notice that he’s motioned for one colleague to take a picture, and they do.

I don’t remember where it went from there, but at moments throughout the day I’ve been thinking about that dog and the sense of complete peace and warmth. I almost started to choke up telling Lori about it in the morning. And in a somewhat stressful and lengthy day, as this turned out to be, returning to the memory of it has been pleasant. I’ve no idea what it means, but maybe all it was supposed to do was contribute a little more peace to my heart on a Tuesday.

That’s a pretty good outcome for a dream.

Thing I Saw: An episode of Homecoming, a pretty fantastic thriller on Amazon Prime Video starring Julia Roberts and directed by Sam Esmail, of Mr. Robot fame. Apparently it was adapted from a fictional podcast and I keep thinking, like, if I were the people that made that podcast? I would be pretty excited about the thunder being brought on the TV version.

Thing I Learned: I thought I didn’t have a “business casual” outfit for a banquet I’m attending tomorrow, because I don’t really know what “business casual” even is?? But it turns out Pinterest is a really great place to get ideas. I thought I would have to buy something but I found out that I already have the things I need. The power was within my closet…all along!!

I’m Grateful For: This blog, actually! An outlet for my thoughts from time to time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGiPlzcNpws

I was recently listening to the Whatevertown podcast and the topic for discussion was what you would say if you had five minutes to speak to your grade-9-era self. So in my case that’s about 1996, aged 14. And I thought, “Hey, I’ve just downed this cup of coffee, that would be a good thing to write a few bullet points about on my blog” so here we go:

• Start taking care of your teeth! Please! Do anything!
• It’s okay to put a little effort into your studies. I know you got used to coasting on no effort, but that was starting to fail you in junior high, wasn’t it? Yeah, it was. Listen, it’s not going to get better, and it’ll take a long time to unlearn those habits, so why not start now?
• Grownups are right when they say that high school is a relatively small portion of your life, and whatever happens now is going to fade pretty quickly once you’re on the other side of it.
• It is okay to ask those questions about Christianity that you’re harboring. Or to express doubt. But again, do something.
• Okay it looks like kind of all of my advice is to just to put effort into bettering yourself and expressing yourself, rather than just bottling everything and self-medicating with video games and movies. Maybe I should have lead with that.
• Sloan and Super Metroid are still awesome.
• You know it’s probably best that you forget we ever spoke. You’ve got to do what you do, and make the choices you make, so that I can be where I am now, and yeah there are a lot of things that we could have handled better but we’re in a good place in 2019 and I don’t want to change that. Even the heartaches.
• It’s going to be okay
• bye
• okay but p.s. really do get some kind of dental care going, you will have to get a lot of work done to ‘catch up’ and your first dentist will not be very good at her job

Thing I Saw: Snow’s mostly gone!!!!

Thing I Learned: My brother just informed me that Swiss Army Glasses are real (although only in limited quantities! get yours today!) I don’t like them.

I’m Grateful For: being able to live long enough to have perspective and gosh, maybe even insight

It was time again for EtherLAN this last weekend, and it was a little less exhausting than it has been due to more people on the admin team to share the load. So that’s nice. My emcee-ing was weird as always, but hopefully passable. The more important news from the weekend is that I…

Completed my first “normal” difficulty Super Metroid Randomizer Run! For the uninitiated, you submit an unaltered ROM file to this site and choose your seed and difficulty settings. It spits out another ROM in which all the items are moved around, and the ammo pickups are shuffled (so they may be the same and may not). I have a pretty set path that I’ve developed over the years for completing this game, so it’s really exciting to re-route things based on my available options, and come to bosses without the equipment I usually rely on. Some encounters were actually far more exciting than they’ve been in years, and I get to learn some new techniques and tricks for moving around the world. I loved it and will definitely try it again!

Not really a lot else to say today. Just recovering from the weekend and making a note of the Smetroid thing.

Thing I Saw: EtherLAN has a boardgame side as well as a videogame side, and whilst travelling from one to the other I randomly stumbled across a D&D session in progress. “You’re all awesome” I shouted in passing, probably to their confusion.

Thing I Learned: It’s common to use certain dried spices, like dill weed, to affordably add grassy texture to the base of your Warhammer figurine miniature. Bonus fact: after mistakenly calling them “figurines” while judging a painting contest, I was firmly told that they were in fact miniatures. Double bonus fun fact: The Australians call them “war dollies” and I am not making that up

I’m Grateful For: Clever programmers that make our lives better and our games more exciting!